Marry, Bang, Kill

Inspired, in part, by Kathy Griffin's My Life on the D-List finale this week, Marci and I played a few rounds of marry, bang, or kill over a couple delmonicos at our local steak place. If you don't know how it goes, it's fairly simple. Your job is to pitch triads of personalities to your partner (or group, or whoever) , and the other person has to categorize the choices as to who she would marry, who she would bang, and who she would kill. It's a bonus if the person can justify their choices.


My first options were too easy, I think. I pitched Ewan McGregor, Jonathan Rhys Meyers, and Russell Crowe to Marci. She fired right back: kill Crow, bang Meyers, and marry Ewan. I should have known she'd go for the long-term committment with Ewan--sense of humor is important. She said she admires Crow's acting, but that's about the extent of it, so off with his head, and Meyers is probably useless for conversation. I upped the ante and went political: Bush, Clinton, and Kerry. Another one, that, as it turns out, was too easy. Kill Kerry, marry Bush, and bang Clinton. I guess I wasn't considering the lasting effects of that Star report. Plus, Bush could probably do a lot of stuff around the house. In every photo op I see him in, he's fixing a fence or castrating a bull or something. I really went below the belt on the next one: Letterman, Leno, O'Brien. That one stumped her; I thought I saw some visable hesitation and wincing, but she quickly recovered: Kill O'Brien, bang Leno, and marry Letterman. Conan O'Brien's become such a squirrely kook, I can see that one. I think the Leno choice was based on age. I shouldn't have gone there, since then she threw at me Oprah, Rosie O'Donnell, and Star Jones. Well, I married Oprah, killed O'Donnell, and had a one-nighter with Jones. That one hurt--you do better! Plus we're talking Star Jones post-*The View.* No more red carpets in her future; I just saw her hosting *House Hunters* on HGTV.



Her challenge to me was: Gwyneth Paltrow, Julianne Moore, and Renee Zellweger. Marci knows that I have irrational issues about each one of these actresses, so this was tougher than it might look. Ultimately, I decided to kill Paltrow, though I immediately regretted my choice since she's probably the most stable of the three. Zellweger is definitely the bang option, being such a coke freak and all. I sort of defaulted into a life of marital bliss with Julianne Moore.

I gave her a tough one: Colin Firth, Colin Farrell, Colin Quinn. Again, almost no hesitation. Kill Farrell, bang Quinn, and marry Firth. It's almost as if she's already thought about all of this . . .

Things sort of went off the rails when we got down to Grimace, the Hamburglar and Ronald McDonald.